Ash Wednesday 40 Days of Change

So today is Ash Wednesday. I had to actually look up the meaning all over again as a grown up. For those of us who grew up Catholic it meant a day for me and Grandma to spend together. I remember loving seeing all of the little Italian ladies with their purses in the crook of their arms, tissues in hand, kerchief on their neatly poofed hair and the ash cross on their foreheads. I loved this day with Grandma.

With Grandma now gone,(wow, that still makes me tear up a little) I am the grown up who needs to think about what this next forty days means to me and be the one bringing the kids to Church for them to come up with what this time will mean to them, other than YAY Easter is coming and we get to go home to LA!

For me, its time to reflect on what change needs to occur. I am going to be like Jesus and use this time to think about who and what I want to represent to the people around me when when Easter hits. I know that I need to
1) Get focused on the future
2) Really find a job - no matter what it is in order to provide for my family. Time to let go of the pride and suck it up
3) Be more mindful of my time - less electronic time and more people/family time
4) Just be
5) Make sure that I being the best me, I can be
6) More charity work
7) Watch my mouth and be more mindful of what comes out of it
8) Put God first in EVERYTHING
9) Put me first before some others - learn to say No
10)Dont ever let someone make me feel unimportant - walk away when I have to
11)Be better about getting back to people in a timely manner

Man, the list can go on and on but, with this focus will come change. This has been a tough year - I acknowledge it but, will not go into agreement with it - I am not ok with life continuing on like this for one more day.

There are blessings all around me, you, all of us. We have to just be open to looking and listening. That will also be my commitmet - to listen.

Change starts today. I hope you will create your own path to a new you, a freedom a new self...

Blessings and Hugs to you all
Nic

My Heart is Back

Well, lots has happened since my last post with Mike. He is back.

My heart has been struggling a bit only because I have truly not felt pain like that in a very long time. The fact that I was so vulernable to him when we broke up. I really exposed my feelings and my heart. The idea of feeling that again, terrifies me. I get that its not in my hands, it truly is in Gods.

After we broke up, I dated a few different people and nothing felt right. The laughter wasnt there, the smile that lights my heart, it just wasnt there. I left each and every date, comparing it to him and I felt when I was with him. It was a horrible feeling. To be wined and dined by great men who adore me (still til this day) and I just couldnt let them have a piece of my heart. Then I went out with Ryan again and he made me smile. He did, he didnt make me laugh and he was a little quiet for me but, he did make me feel good. We spent a straight two weeks together. Every day, either at the gym (did I happen to mention that he is a greek god - tee hee - insane body, 300 pounds of all muscle, 6'4, blonde hair and blue eyes - just a gentle giant) lunch, dinner. Ryan wanted to be with me all of the time. It was a nice distraction but, I still missed what my heart felt. As much as I put my feelings for Mike on the back burner, he would always creep into my thoughts. I just couldnt let him go as much as he was hurting me each and every day (tho' he didnt know it)

Mike and I never lost touch as we helped one another with kids and rides to and from Church. For some reason one day, he just started hanging around a little more and as time past, he would stay longer and longer. I was grateful if even for just those moments with him. When one day, those moments turned into a surprise day on the lake, fishing - more specifically ice fishing (if you know anything about me, this is not something I would ever do). It was the best day I have had with him. The peace I feel when I am with him is undeniable. Its just easy. I cannot explain what has happened, other than God had a plan for us and here we are. Each and every day, is a day filled with laughter and smiles when I am with him. How can it be wrong?

I have friends who are worried yet, they see the happiness and they are supporting my decision to be back in this place. They just want us to find happiness with one another. I want that. I want to always feel this way. Yet, there is a part of me that needs to know that he will continue to fight for us. That he will make "us" important and continue to work on moving us forward. I do not ever want to look back. I want to envision his smile and how his eyes light up my heart. The past is the past- God has told us - do not hold on to past trangressions. I know its tough when a heart is involved - it has been a bit tough for me to let go but, day by day...it gets better.

God is Good!

Let a man be a man darn it!

There was something that I thought of yesterday when speaking to the ex boyfriend. There was a homeless man who approached us wanting a blanket that day. He was handed a pink blanket by one of the men who was out with me. I said "hold up, this is a man, he doesn't get a pink blanket' He looked at me while readjusting his posture and said "Yes, she is right, I am a man" For that one moment "he was a man...again" I can't imagine how it would feel for a man to have to ask people for help, for money, for food. It breaks my heart.

Last week I was at the gym and Lord help me if I run into this guy but, back to the story -
I was in the family locker room again at the gym putting away my winter clothes and there is this woman reprimanding her husband LOUDLY with her children there and a locker room full of families. She was talking to him as if he was a child. My blood was boiling - I was just looking at her with my mouth open....having some inner monologue ..."Wow, what a BITCH .....then, thought, do I approach her and tell her to stop treating her husband like a child that not only is she embarrassing herself but him (?) Then, wow cant wait til he cheats on her, leaves her or slams her into a locker" OH GEEZ did I just say that out loud? No no ..still just in my head whew! I mean what lesson is she teaching her children here? UGH!!!!

I am sure she was thinking that I was so impressed by how she was treating him. She had to, as she was just getting louder and louder as he cowered and just agreed with everything she was saying. So, I then thought do I yell at him "SALLY SERIOUSLY PULL DOWN YOUR SKIRT YOUR GIRLIE PARTS ARE SHOWING" No that wouldn't help, I would then be acting like his wife.

Women, we cannot do this to the men in our lives. No matter what, YES.. I said no matter what. Its like the homeless man - how emasculated must he feel? When did we want to become the men in our relationships? I never want that. I want my man to know his place and this as the man! If I have something to say to my man, no matter how much he wronged me - it will be done at home, in the car, via email, text message but, not in front of people. This is why, they stray. This is why, they stop wanting you. This is why, you no longer receive flowers. You need to treat, validate and respect your man for who he is and what he does.
You have no idea what spark plugs are and he just changed them in his car and is all excited to tell you about it - your instant thought can be "what the hell is a spark plug and why didn't you just go to the dealer" but, you tell him how proud you are of him that he was able to change his spark plugs. I am not saying, let him get away with doing wrong - I am saying find the (right) and you will see how much he wants to be the man you want him to be - that's where partnerships will be made.

Smiles to you - go in love

How do you trust with your heart?

I went to sleep last night wondering what I missed. I was lying there thinking, here is a man that is unlike any man that I have ever dated before and I still had my heart ripped out.
How do you know when a man who comes off so together is so broken and cant love you.
I do not know how to ever let anyone into my heart again. How do I trust what I am seeing?
How do you trust with your heart when time after time its nothing but heartache.

Serioulsy? What the heck just happened?

I have been single for years. It truly was something that I decided to do out of the fact that I really suck at the break up part. I end up staying with guys just because I hate hurting people's feelings. Then they break up with me because they see me shutting down. You would think I would find some relief in that - NOPE - I end up devastated. What the heck is that all about? Now, I decided to let someone in and truly trust them with my heart. I want to kick myself

I recently met a man at Church - one would think this would be the ideal place to meet a man - well, obviously I am blogging so it obvioulsy isnt going to have a happy ending. No, dont log off yet - let me tell you the darn story first.

We met at Church - he was someone I had noticed for about a year and wanted to know. Once we met he too was wanting to learn more about me as well. He came to my house almost immediately as we wanted to spend time together. First conversation he opened up about the reason for his divorce and made it clear that he wanted a relationship that would represent God - basically he meant NO SEX. I was ok with that - I mean c'mon its been a couple of years since I have been with anyone - I can handle this.

Well, we fell fast and hard. Being that we have children that are all on the worship team at church it was a very easy "family" transition. He was quickly talking marriage, moving into his house and spent most of his time telling me how beautiful I am and that this was nothing but a GOD THING - well, a fight over who locked the keys in my car quickly turned into "I never want to see you again" I was like - you are freaking kidding me, right? Nope - he wasnt.

A week later - I needed his help on something and we quickly fell into one anothers lives. I will tell you this - he never talked future, marriage and us moving anywhere anymore. I cannot say that I wasnt paying attention to his signs. We continued to go to Church every Sunday with children and without. We made sure to be very involved together in church activities and even went as far as bringing him home for Thanksgiving.

Two weeks later - the switch flipped and he wanted out. We had an amazing time together, a great time in LA on vacation, family time with kids, talking holiday plans and he even insisted that I cut my time with family in LA short to make sure that we had a Xmas and New Years together. What changed in a week? He did cry and talk to me about what he was feeling. His divorce came up alot. Even though he insists his ex is someone he could NEVER be with again.

Why is it that the man you can see yourself marrying can just walk away with out a thought. The thought of his kids and my relationship - my kids and the relationship with him and his kids? Why is it that a 42 year old man has more baggage than a 4o year old single mom? I think we tend to forget that men are emtional creatures - I am forgetting as I type this - I know he has only been divorced for five months, seperated for two years. I ask you - can a man be so truly effected by a divorce, that he he made happen? Is the guilt so overwhelming that you would let me go? The woman you said "you are the warmest, most loving, caring, beautiful, sexy person that I have ever been with. The way you take care of me is amazing" You announce this to my family and friends on vacation but, you can walk away - is guilt that powerful. I ask you men. He mentioned that he just hit a wall with us - he has just gotten so cold at the idea of being hurt and letting someone in.

We laughed together more than anyone I have ever been with. He became my best friend, my heart, my smile

Wednesday he called and said "I am praying for us every day, praying that my heart will be opened to you and give me the stength to move forward" Yesterday he deleted all of the personal pictures of "us" off of his FB page. I can only come to the conclusion that he has stopped praying for us......

A day with the homeless

Today, I was brought to a place I never thought I could handle and or experience.

I was invited by Breakthrough Ministries to join them in handing out blankets to the homeless that were made by our churches childrens ministries. I guess I thought I would be standing on a street corner (well, that did happen as well but not til much later in the day) handing them out to people sleeping under boxes.

We arrive in St Paul, not a familiar place.

We went to a location in St Paul where they feed and house the homeless. I thought we were going inside - nope - we trecked thru the snow to the woods behind the building that housed a man who lived in a tent. Dave Engman knew him and has a repoire with him so he was very welcoming. Dave spoke to him about moving him into the Breakthrough Ministry program - HE DECLINED. He said that he wanted to make sure that he had a job before he left his tent. I said "you would rather stay here in the cold rather than a warm roof over your head?" He said " I would like a job first" After spending the day with the homeless, you come to understand why- I will tell you more about that at the end.

We then traveled by car to a shelter where the homeless were between meals and they were honestly no where to be found. Except for one man - Elam. He was from Africa. Such a warm hearted man who is homeless but, sleeping on a friends couch. We tell him that we are from Hosanna and that we have a blanket from the kids. He said "that is so funny, I was just walking here talking to God saying that I could use him and some prayers and here you are" I CRIED! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? God is good.

We then piled back in the car and headed again to an area of St Paul that I am unfamilair with. I was day dreaming of coffee at this point....Oops sorry - back to the story

We park on a side street and I am told that we have to run across the road and climb over the railing that seperates the street from the Mississippi River - Um, yeah, it was a long ways down my friends...Well, I say, I am up for the adventure so lets make it happen. We all run across the busy street with bags of blankets and candy in hand. I look at how far down the fall "could be" and say what the heck - I climb over ....Holding on for dear life and I mean dear - we end up under the bridge. I have never in my life been this close to these tents that the homeless call home. We drive by them every day and notice but, never think of that person in the freezing cold. David Engman introduces us all and we sit and talk. Folding chairs, tables, candles, a Happy Holiday sign fill the concrete and sand home of this homeless couple. We must have been there for an hour just talking to Dave & Teri. Dave goes on and on about how delish the chili was that he just ate and fills us in on his recipe secret of throwing half a jar of tostitos spinach dip in i t - hmmmm interesting. I tell him, I will try it sometime.

Their story is not unlike most in this situation. We take pictures, we talk about how warm his tent is and about a dog they had before a jogger took it home. The view they have is actually breathtaking - I mention it and they giggle. I meant it. It was truly beautiful.

After hugs and thank yous for their hospitality we climb back up the very steep and snowy walkway that will get us back to our warm cars and my protein bar. Um, I think I am still needing coffee. My toes are frozen. Did I mention it was cold? Ok moving on....

We head back out to the shelter -I look at the new condos going up that over look the river and in front of me is the state Capital. Do people know that when they are buying these new places that there are homeless people sleeping underneath them? It really makes me physically uncomfortable at the state of affairs.

It is dinner time, We head back to the Dorothy Day Center. We just set up camp on the corner and I cannot even begin to tell you the overwhelming response to us being there. There was a man who told Sheri at least ten times to thank the children. He was so appreciative. To see how happy these adults were to be coming out of a free meal into the cold and being handed a blanket that a child made - just a humbling but yet filling experience. All I kept thinking was - this is GOD.

When we were just about done. A young man approached. We handed him a blanket and offered him prayer - he said "I will pass on the blanket and take the prayer" He continued " I have all of these student loans to pay, lost my job and I am now here, getting in line for free meals. Can you ask God for a job for me?" I asked what he went to school for - It was something really smart and beyond my understanding to be completely honest. We prayed over him and and I cried once again.

Back to one of the things I learned today. People adapt. I was freezing and Dave was standing there in light jacket and socks as we spoke. Us just being there was comfort enough. People cared. It was like we showed up at his house unannonced and he welcomed us in.

They are in a situtaion where they are controlling their situation and having to be accountable is not something that all are necessarily ready for. I saw men who want to work before they are given a handout. A man who has children in college but he doesnt want to burden them with his problems. Pride, love, trust in a Lord and appreciation of complete strangers. They let go and let God while we were there. They all and I mean just about every one - said" Bless you" to us! How unselfish - we get to go to our warm homes, hug our children, eat out of our fridge and make a pot of coffee. Really? Bless me? Bless you! (but thank you of course)

I say this all of the time - no matter what you are going through - there has to be something you are grateful for. Take a moment and think about this story from my journey today. My heart will never be the same. What I experienced today was an idea and a passion that a man has for the homeless. The homeless that you and I pass on the street every day. What I experienced today has changed my life in a small way. I hope it has touched you.

Please become a fan of Breakthrough Ministries here on FB.
At this point, I am just asking for your involvement on their FB page. Let me know you have done it. If your heart stirs and you want to help in a way that I mentioned above - get in touch via a message.

After what I have seen today, I cannot just drive by anymore. Theses are someones children, sons, brother, sisters and parents. I cant pretend that they are not there for one more minute of my life. Like I said, I will never be the same.

Smiles and Blessings to you
Nicole