Serioulsy? What the heck just happened?

I have been single for years. It truly was something that I decided to do out of the fact that I really suck at the break up part. I end up staying with guys just because I hate hurting people's feelings. Then they break up with me because they see me shutting down. You would think I would find some relief in that - NOPE - I end up devastated. What the heck is that all about? Now, I decided to let someone in and truly trust them with my heart. I want to kick myself

I recently met a man at Church - one would think this would be the ideal place to meet a man - well, obviously I am blogging so it obvioulsy isnt going to have a happy ending. No, dont log off yet - let me tell you the darn story first.

We met at Church - he was someone I had noticed for about a year and wanted to know. Once we met he too was wanting to learn more about me as well. He came to my house almost immediately as we wanted to spend time together. First conversation he opened up about the reason for his divorce and made it clear that he wanted a relationship that would represent God - basically he meant NO SEX. I was ok with that - I mean c'mon its been a couple of years since I have been with anyone - I can handle this.

Well, we fell fast and hard. Being that we have children that are all on the worship team at church it was a very easy "family" transition. He was quickly talking marriage, moving into his house and spent most of his time telling me how beautiful I am and that this was nothing but a GOD THING - well, a fight over who locked the keys in my car quickly turned into "I never want to see you again" I was like - you are freaking kidding me, right? Nope - he wasnt.

A week later - I needed his help on something and we quickly fell into one anothers lives. I will tell you this - he never talked future, marriage and us moving anywhere anymore. I cannot say that I wasnt paying attention to his signs. We continued to go to Church every Sunday with children and without. We made sure to be very involved together in church activities and even went as far as bringing him home for Thanksgiving.

Two weeks later - the switch flipped and he wanted out. We had an amazing time together, a great time in LA on vacation, family time with kids, talking holiday plans and he even insisted that I cut my time with family in LA short to make sure that we had a Xmas and New Years together. What changed in a week? He did cry and talk to me about what he was feeling. His divorce came up alot. Even though he insists his ex is someone he could NEVER be with again.

Why is it that the man you can see yourself marrying can just walk away with out a thought. The thought of his kids and my relationship - my kids and the relationship with him and his kids? Why is it that a 42 year old man has more baggage than a 4o year old single mom? I think we tend to forget that men are emtional creatures - I am forgetting as I type this - I know he has only been divorced for five months, seperated for two years. I ask you - can a man be so truly effected by a divorce, that he he made happen? Is the guilt so overwhelming that you would let me go? The woman you said "you are the warmest, most loving, caring, beautiful, sexy person that I have ever been with. The way you take care of me is amazing" You announce this to my family and friends on vacation but, you can walk away - is guilt that powerful. I ask you men. He mentioned that he just hit a wall with us - he has just gotten so cold at the idea of being hurt and letting someone in.

We laughed together more than anyone I have ever been with. He became my best friend, my heart, my smile

Wednesday he called and said "I am praying for us every day, praying that my heart will be opened to you and give me the stength to move forward" Yesterday he deleted all of the personal pictures of "us" off of his FB page. I can only come to the conclusion that he has stopped praying for us......