Ash Wednesday 40 Days of Change

So today is Ash Wednesday. I had to actually look up the meaning all over again as a grown up. For those of us who grew up Catholic it meant a day for me and Grandma to spend together. I remember loving seeing all of the little Italian ladies with their purses in the crook of their arms, tissues in hand, kerchief on their neatly poofed hair and the ash cross on their foreheads. I loved this day with Grandma.

With Grandma now gone,(wow, that still makes me tear up a little) I am the grown up who needs to think about what this next forty days means to me and be the one bringing the kids to Church for them to come up with what this time will mean to them, other than YAY Easter is coming and we get to go home to LA!

For me, its time to reflect on what change needs to occur. I am going to be like Jesus and use this time to think about who and what I want to represent to the people around me when when Easter hits. I know that I need to
1) Get focused on the future
2) Really find a job - no matter what it is in order to provide for my family. Time to let go of the pride and suck it up
3) Be more mindful of my time - less electronic time and more people/family time
4) Just be
5) Make sure that I being the best me, I can be
6) More charity work
7) Watch my mouth and be more mindful of what comes out of it
8) Put God first in EVERYTHING
9) Put me first before some others - learn to say No
10)Dont ever let someone make me feel unimportant - walk away when I have to
11)Be better about getting back to people in a timely manner

Man, the list can go on and on but, with this focus will come change. This has been a tough year - I acknowledge it but, will not go into agreement with it - I am not ok with life continuing on like this for one more day.

There are blessings all around me, you, all of us. We have to just be open to looking and listening. That will also be my commitmet - to listen.

Change starts today. I hope you will create your own path to a new you, a freedom a new self...

Blessings and Hugs to you all
Nic

My Heart is Back

Well, lots has happened since my last post with Mike. He is back.

My heart has been struggling a bit only because I have truly not felt pain like that in a very long time. The fact that I was so vulernable to him when we broke up. I really exposed my feelings and my heart. The idea of feeling that again, terrifies me. I get that its not in my hands, it truly is in Gods.

After we broke up, I dated a few different people and nothing felt right. The laughter wasnt there, the smile that lights my heart, it just wasnt there. I left each and every date, comparing it to him and I felt when I was with him. It was a horrible feeling. To be wined and dined by great men who adore me (still til this day) and I just couldnt let them have a piece of my heart. Then I went out with Ryan again and he made me smile. He did, he didnt make me laugh and he was a little quiet for me but, he did make me feel good. We spent a straight two weeks together. Every day, either at the gym (did I happen to mention that he is a greek god - tee hee - insane body, 300 pounds of all muscle, 6'4, blonde hair and blue eyes - just a gentle giant) lunch, dinner. Ryan wanted to be with me all of the time. It was a nice distraction but, I still missed what my heart felt. As much as I put my feelings for Mike on the back burner, he would always creep into my thoughts. I just couldnt let him go as much as he was hurting me each and every day (tho' he didnt know it)

Mike and I never lost touch as we helped one another with kids and rides to and from Church. For some reason one day, he just started hanging around a little more and as time past, he would stay longer and longer. I was grateful if even for just those moments with him. When one day, those moments turned into a surprise day on the lake, fishing - more specifically ice fishing (if you know anything about me, this is not something I would ever do). It was the best day I have had with him. The peace I feel when I am with him is undeniable. Its just easy. I cannot explain what has happened, other than God had a plan for us and here we are. Each and every day, is a day filled with laughter and smiles when I am with him. How can it be wrong?

I have friends who are worried yet, they see the happiness and they are supporting my decision to be back in this place. They just want us to find happiness with one another. I want that. I want to always feel this way. Yet, there is a part of me that needs to know that he will continue to fight for us. That he will make "us" important and continue to work on moving us forward. I do not ever want to look back. I want to envision his smile and how his eyes light up my heart. The past is the past- God has told us - do not hold on to past trangressions. I know its tough when a heart is involved - it has been a bit tough for me to let go but, day by day...it gets better.

God is Good!

Let a man be a man darn it!

There was something that I thought of yesterday when speaking to the ex boyfriend. There was a homeless man who approached us wanting a blanket that day. He was handed a pink blanket by one of the men who was out with me. I said "hold up, this is a man, he doesn't get a pink blanket' He looked at me while readjusting his posture and said "Yes, she is right, I am a man" For that one moment "he was a man...again" I can't imagine how it would feel for a man to have to ask people for help, for money, for food. It breaks my heart.

Last week I was at the gym and Lord help me if I run into this guy but, back to the story -
I was in the family locker room again at the gym putting away my winter clothes and there is this woman reprimanding her husband LOUDLY with her children there and a locker room full of families. She was talking to him as if he was a child. My blood was boiling - I was just looking at her with my mouth open....having some inner monologue ..."Wow, what a BITCH .....then, thought, do I approach her and tell her to stop treating her husband like a child that not only is she embarrassing herself but him (?) Then, wow cant wait til he cheats on her, leaves her or slams her into a locker" OH GEEZ did I just say that out loud? No no ..still just in my head whew! I mean what lesson is she teaching her children here? UGH!!!!

I am sure she was thinking that I was so impressed by how she was treating him. She had to, as she was just getting louder and louder as he cowered and just agreed with everything she was saying. So, I then thought do I yell at him "SALLY SERIOUSLY PULL DOWN YOUR SKIRT YOUR GIRLIE PARTS ARE SHOWING" No that wouldn't help, I would then be acting like his wife.

Women, we cannot do this to the men in our lives. No matter what, YES.. I said no matter what. Its like the homeless man - how emasculated must he feel? When did we want to become the men in our relationships? I never want that. I want my man to know his place and this as the man! If I have something to say to my man, no matter how much he wronged me - it will be done at home, in the car, via email, text message but, not in front of people. This is why, they stray. This is why, they stop wanting you. This is why, you no longer receive flowers. You need to treat, validate and respect your man for who he is and what he does.
You have no idea what spark plugs are and he just changed them in his car and is all excited to tell you about it - your instant thought can be "what the hell is a spark plug and why didn't you just go to the dealer" but, you tell him how proud you are of him that he was able to change his spark plugs. I am not saying, let him get away with doing wrong - I am saying find the (right) and you will see how much he wants to be the man you want him to be - that's where partnerships will be made.

Smiles to you - go in love